We don’t usually post this kind of stuff, but this dog is awesome. And the person who dressed him up like this is probably a Jerk.
THE BAIT:
knoxville craigslist > gigs > event gigs
I am holding an event for 30+ people and I need food and drinks and also some cleanup afterwards. Must provide own van.
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Would like to speak with you about this. Might be able to help you, reasonably inexpensively. I am not currently a catering company, but have been in the past. I can handle 30 pretty easily, depending on what you have in mind.
I can be reached at 865-XXX-XXXX.
Mel
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Oh hi Mel, thanks for emailing me back.
I’m trying to put together this very exclusive event and timing is getting tight! I already have 28 RSVP YES, and still no caterer! Before we go any further, I’d like to ask you a few preliminary questions:
Are you available on April 17th?
Do I have to pay overtime if my event goes longer than 8 hours?
Do you do Kosher catering? If not Kosher, vegetarian?
Are all of your caterers at least 18 years old?
Please let me know ASAP as I’d like to award this job immediately.
Best,
Hank
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Thanks for the opportunity Hank, but from you questions it is apparent that I’m not qualified or even equipped to handle this event for you. Thanks again.
Mel
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Hey Mel,
Don’t take yourself out of the running so fast. There’s a pretty good chance that a lot of established caterers won’t be willing to work my event. You see, I am the secretary of an adult consortium called the Knoxville Orgy Organization (KOO). We’re a group of swingers who meet once a month for an orgy. April is my turn to host at my house, and I really want to step up my game a bit which is why I want to cater it. There are several shomer shabbos members of the club which is why we’re starting after sundown on Saturday and why I want the food to be Kosher or at least vegetarian. So now you can probably understand why your caterers need to be over 18!
Anyways, we’re not looking for anything too fancy. Just some snacks and desserts and lots of sodas and gatorade to keep us hydrated because we usually go until the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, I only make it to 7:05 PM when we start at 7 which means I’ll be available to help out with the catering or walking around with h’ors d’ouevres or whatever until I get my second wind.
I’m really looking to impress the rest of the KOO, and it would help me out a lot if you could do this for me.
Please let me know ASAP.
Hank
PS. You don’t have to participate, unless you decide you want to.
***********
No thanks.
Mel
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Hey Mel,
Listen, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about the KOO. We’re not just a bunch of perverts and sex freaks. We do a lot more than just orgies. We’re actually citizens from the community. We have 3 members of the Chamber of Commerce and a deacon. Last year we raised over $5,000 for local charities with our bakes sales and White Glove Carwash at Calhoun’s on the River. This event is really not that big a deal and will probably be the first of many for you. Especially after everyone tastes how good your food is.
So let’s talk menu! How are your hush puppies? I was thinking that we could do a BBQ type of menu. Do you make a nice brisket?
HW
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That’s fine, I’m just really not interested. Conservative, WASP, Christian, not a good fit.
Mel
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Hey Mel,
I totally hear where you’re coming from. When I first heard about the KOO, I was freaked out. And if we were a liberal Democrat orgy organization I would tell us to take a hike. But we’re nearly all conservative, Christian Republicans just like you (except for the Schapiros and they’re not even coming to my event). I’ve been registered Republican for twenty years! I voted for McCain/Palin in 2008 and would have voted just for Palin if I could have. In fact, we had a Palin theme night to raise money at a KOO event before the election. Things got pretty crazy because we actually had a snowmobile and a few assault rifles (unloaded of course). But don’t worry, I think the next party will be pretty tame.
You might also be interested to know that we’re devoting the first half hour of my event to a discussion of Ron Paul’s recent straw poll victory at CPAC. Harry and Glenda Brighton were actually there (and voted for Palin) and they’re working on a presentation for us. But nobody will be able to enjoy the event if they’re hungry! Which reminds me, do you know how to make shrimp po’ boys? My wife and I were talking and we think they’d be a huge hit if you could cut them up into little finger sandwiches.
Could you send me over some menu ideas? I have a bible study class tonight but maybe we could jump on the horn afterward to discuss.
Thanks much,
Hank
$500 HOLY CRAP! IS THAT A ROOM FOR RENT ON MY CRAIGSLIST??!?!?!? (north of River Oaks)
You bet your nomadic ass it is. Do you want to be homeless? Then you better come check this room for rent out. It has WALLS and a CEILING. BLOCKS THE FUCKIN WIND AND RAIN FOOL!
ZOMG THE LOCATION IS THE SHIT. You can WALK to Washington Avenue from here. So you can get your drink on and do some mackin playa. 10 mins from UH and Rice cause we all about higher education up in here. You could hit Memorial Parkway with a ROCK. But don’t. We keep it civilized.
We got carpet up in this hoe too. They wanted to come put in hard wood floors. But I was like FUCK THAT. I don’t want my feet to be cold when I get out of bed at night. Carpet. So soft. Transcends the walking barefoot experience.
Man the room… You can put your bed and furniture up in here! So you can sleep, chill, even EAT. You got a private bedroom! We ain’t bunk bedding out this motherfucker.
AWWW SHIT! YOUR OWN PRIVATE BATHROOM!!!! WTF!?!?!? YUH! You can shower and take a shit w/o anyone being up in your business!!! I’m not bullshittin either… I’m talking HOT WATER IN THE SHOWER.
We got ELECTRICITY. POWER ALL YOUR APPLIANCES. Play my XBox360 because I never do. No need for candles or firewood, because I got LIGHTS and HEAT.
-this pad has doors so people don’t come up in yo space son
-this place has windows so you can see outside and shit. WHATSUP NEIGHBORS!
-tennis courts, 2 pools, parking garage, a park in the back, brand new gym so you can get swoll. Sand volleyball court WHAT!
Pic related, its me. Your bad ass new roommate.
(via @cougarclaws)
THE BAIT:
new york craigslist > manhattan > gigs > talent gigs
I am looking for 4-5 experienced tap dancers of all ages for an afternoon gig in early March. Please reply with your level of experience and types of dances you know.
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Hello,
I saw your posting on craigslist and wanted to pass my information along to you. I have had extensive tap training, and now work as a dancer as well as an instructor/choreographer. I was trained on the Al Gilbert syllabus, but now all all styles of tap from more traditional, to more modern rhythm tap. Please let me know if you have any questions or need any more information. Thank you,
Greg
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Hi Greg,
Thanks for the quick reply. What requirements do you have for outdoor performances? Specifically, what type of stage or dance floor will you need? I’m scheduling an outdoor event that will include a tap performance and I need to get an idea of equipment needs.
Thanks,
H.B.
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Hello. Thanks for getting back with me. Well, I am not too picky about flooring.. I obviously wouldn’t dance on cement, or a floor where the taps would not get heard… I have danced on all different types of floors… just as long at they are not too soft. The only other outdoor concern is weather, but I guess that would be a concern for anything at an outdoor event. Greg
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Thanks for elaborating for me. It sounds like quite the event you have planned, but I am not sure that I will be able to take part of it. I don’t disagree with your decision, just not sure how it would feel for me to be tapping in a cemetary. I hope you understand. Best of luck to you.
Looking forward to meeting you soon,
H.B.
Hi-
My daughter swallowed a ring she really likes and I’m not up to digging around in the toilet for it.
I need somebody to come by our place and fish it out of her shit for me sometime Thursday morning or so – I’ll call you when it’s ready.
$25 cash
I can have her shit on a newspaper in the back yard if that makes it easier for you. Whatever you want
Neal
Free jar of bacon grease. The grease is from the best bacon ever made, because I made it. Do you want the grease to cook with? It will improve you cooking skills dramatically, and spice up your life and your meals!
On a serious note… I do have a jar of bacon grease….do you want it? I don’t know how to use it in cooking.
My daughters sweet sixteen is in 5 weeks from friday, she is a huge film buff. Her favorite movie of all time is Passion of the Christ and I want to surprise her with someone dressed as Christ to dance with her after she does her sixteen candles. We are holding the party at a well known club in New York City. Please get back to me ASAP with 4-5 sentences on why this is for you and a picture of you dressed as Jesus Christ
(Submitted by Adam O)
We’d like to introduce a new feature on JIYA. We’ve begun writing Craigslist posts and then messing with the people who respond. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. It’s sort of the inverse of dontevenreply.com, a site we think is hilarious. Here’s our first one:
Jerks:
Victim:
I’m looking for an art deco cabinet with mirror and drawers or doors
Anything?
Thanks-
Sam
Jerks:
Hi Sam,
Thanks for replying. There’s a lot of great stuff available and some of it is actually pretty valuable! There is an art deco cabinet with 4 drawers, but it’s pretty big. Is that okay? Unfortunately, I don’t have any photos I could send you. I’d love for you to come check it out, but it’s a little tricky as my grandmother is actually still in the apartment and she doesn’t know that I’m selling her stuff. I’m her only grandson and so it’s all coming to me anyway so it’s not a big deal. We’ll just have to coordinate a time for when she’ll be out of the house. She goes to a diner every morning for breakfast. Are you available early, say 7 AM? Her apartment is on the UES.
Please let me know!
H.B.
Victim:
I wouldn’t dream of it! This sounds despicable.
No thanks.
Remove me from your email please.
Jerks:
Sam,
I am insulted by your reaction! Are you suggesting that I’m involved in something untoward?
H.B. Wallcott, Jr.
Victim:
It certainly seems that way since your poor granny doesn’t even know you’re selling her belongings out from under her.
Don’t darken my door please!
Jerks:
Sam,
I think we got off on the wrong foot. My Aunt has told me numerous times that she intends to give me all of her belongings. So I’m not selling HER belongings, I’m selling my own. If I were to tell her that you were coming over to take her art deco cabinet and snoop around her apartment like you’re asking to do, she would get upset. And quite frankly, I resent the implication. Now let’s put this insult business behind us and iron out the details. My friend Daren is available to help and I already told him all about you and he’s super excited to meet you.
Kind regards,
H.B.
Victim:
No thanks
I thought it was your grandmother not your aunt
I’m no longer interested in anything
Please don’t send anymore emails
-Sam
Jerks:
Hi Sam,
You’re right, it is my grandmother. Sorry for the confusion. She’s getting pretty old and has started insisting that I call her my aunt. I get mixed up sometimes. C’est la vie, right? So, I have you down for the art deco cabinet and I’ve actually gotten a few offers for it and told them it’s taken so I’m probably going to need a deposit from you to hold it until you can come over with the van. How’s Sunday looking for you? Also, do you know anything about bumping a lock?
Kind regards,
H.B.
