Jerks in Your Area

YOU WANT THIS F***ING COUCH!! Must Go tommorow!!! – $90 (Bushwick (Jefferson Stop))

alec — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 20:53:01 +0000

This soft seating device is killer beef titties, and you know you want this shit.
Fucking red tan, like a desert of comfort.
And shit! Look at this shit! Motherfucker folds down to become a bed. Motherfucking transformers-ass technology.
Fuck me sideways, you can store you dro underneath in the kick ass storage cubby.
Must go by tomorrow. Shit just got real. I’ll be ready to negotiate on how many bills you’ll flip me!

Pictures of Couch, Couch Laid Flat in Bed Form, and Storage Unit

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Creative Free Spirits – The Anti-Christ Really Needs Your Help! (Chelsea)

admin — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 17:50:15 +0000

Commander and Chief Obama
END THE WAR ON DRUGS
pardon all the war’s prisoners

to end the suffering
I journey on the cross.
10-31-2010
Albany to Battery Park

It will be filmed for
THE PASSION OF THE ANTI – CHRIST
the Jewish Response to Mel Gibson

For only the right people, this should be a blast.

I wish they would let me post pictures.

I am easily recognized on the streets of New York. I have a pais (Jewish side locks), am hatless, always wear orange, and ride a wheelchair. Perhaps you have seen me one of the 3 times I have ridden a cross at New York’s Village Hallowe’en Parade.

The Parade Committee now only allows corporate sponsored floats. So, I’ll make my own parade.

My project will be a filmed publicity stunt to launch my (almost always in character) persona as the Rebbe: an outrageous, fighting man of faith, determined to risk life and liberty to refute stupidity; speaking truth to power.

Hallowe’en, October 31, 2010 will be on a Sunday, usually a slow news day, perfect for an under the radar, surprise attack. Barring an earthquake, I should be the #1 news story of the day.

I will journey from the State House, Albany, New York, down the historic Albany Post Road (route 9) to the Battery Park, in New York City, on a high cross, anchored to a large flat bed truck (which will also serve as a stage). A generator will power a heater, waterproof theatrical lights, and the sound system.

With banners, music and speech, I will demand that Obama end the war on drugs. The Commander and Chief can start wars. He can end them. He can also pardon and free all the prisoners of the drug war.

The stage, the crowd, and I will be recorded, regardless of what happens. I might openly flout the law. Anyone arresting me would have to take me down from a cross, on camera.

Once I have established myself, I will remain shockingly cutting edge:

Jesus appeared on a cross only once, and the government paid for his cross. Mine is a faith-based initiative.

The Christ sets an example of how to suffer. Suffering: been there, done that. The Anti-Christ will set an example of how to party.

I am working on my 10 GUIDELINES to replace the archaic 10 Commandments. The world would be far better off if Moses had first run his by a focus group.

I will have streamed nude bible study for people who have nothing to hide.

I will appear on a cross, championing a different cause every Hallowe’en thereafter.

We have enough crazies dragging the clueless to the right. We need more on the left.

WHAT I NEED NOW ARE VOLUNTEERS TO:

Handle legal stuff

Recruit more volunteers

Create and maintain several slick, ready for prime time websites, Twitters and in your Facebooks making the project credible to donors & volunteers

Fund raise (if it comes, I can pay you)

Research

Write

Publicize

Obtain equipment

Film

Set up my studio

Make hi & lo def-streaming possible.

Plan and film the parade: renting equipment, assembling musicians, a crew, drivers, security

RIGHT NOW, ALL I HAVE IS A

Dream

My persona

2.5” x 4” hard plastic luggage tags with the first 2 photos on either side, which I have been handing out all year to get the buzz going

Several blank domains

Great material in the can.

A fiscal sponsorship grant agreement with Fractured Atlas
(My project can receive tax deductable donations)

An awesome roof top garden in Chelsea where I can host fundraisers where downwind smoking of all kinds is welcome.

Motivations for the well-heeled donors to make tax deductable donations will include:

Having Fun
Seeing What Happens
Ending the War on Drugs
Promoting my 10 Guidelines
Saving the World
Ending the Christian Occupation of Western Civilization
Supporting Me and My Quest

ABOUT ME

I have spent years behind the camera, shooting and editing video. I know what is needed in front of one to be effective.

I was born on Hallowe’en, and it has served well as a metaphor for my life. As an adventurous, Jewish, one legged, color blind, bipolar, Buddhist, artist, and activist, I have a unique perspective on life that I share with fellow free spirits.

Compensation: $0 until tax deductable donations come in
Telecommuting is ok.
This is a part-time job.
This is at a non-profit organization.
This is an internship job
OK to highlight this job opening for persons with disabilities
Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

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Be the Edward to my Bella (Dallas)

alec — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 21:36:52 +0000

My aunt just died and left me some cash with instructions to blow it however I want. Not into drugs. Fucking LOVE Twilight. Also, a lesbian. It’s relevant, I swear.

I’m sure this ad will get me some creepers, but it might be worth it.

I will pay you $50 an hour to act like Edward for me. My schedule is flexible, and it would only be a few hours a week. I do NOT want any sex or kissing, but some platonic cuddling would be nice. You need to physically resemble Edward to some degree. You need to put on some sort of sparkly stuff on your face before hand. I’ll ask you to hold ice for a while (not a dangerous while) so that when you touch me your hands are cold.

I’m going to be clumsy, and you’re going to stare at me and tell me how awesome I am and treat me amazingly. If you can quote the book/act out small scenes with me I’ll even pay you more.

I know this is stupid, but this book is the first time I’ve understood being attracted to any guy, and I want to play with it. Reminder: this is NOT SEXUAL. It’s an emotional itch that I can now afford to scratch.

Please send me a picture to confirm that you somewhat resemble Edward (hair length/color, skin color, build of body are most important). If you wear glasses you’ll need to be able to function without them. I’m willing to buy you the right outfits so don’t worry about clothes.

Serious replies only.

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Stolen Bike – $500 Reward – No Questions Asked (10th and C)

alec — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 05:24:38 +0000

Some assmaster stole my custom made, heavy, rusty Bologna bike at 10th & C last night.
I’ll give anyone who returns it $500 cash, no questions asked.
I’ll also give $1k for the thief’s nads on a stick
Yes way.
Here are some photos (of the bike, not the nads) – http://twitpic.com/27e3a1 http://twitpic.com/27onqq
It’s a lot rustier now, and it has a black seat, black rubber oray grips, and riser bars.
It’s been passed on from generation to generation in my family for almost 3,000 years.
I’d really like to give it to my son some day.
And if you’re the thief, and you’re reading this, please give it back. I’ll give you the five hundred bucks.
Please.
If you don’t, I will call Dog the Bounty Hunter, Bobba Fett, and Bear Gryls, and they will have a 3 way, and that 3 way will produce a son, and that son will be raised by Tito Ortiz, and on his 18th birthday, he and I will come to your house, and fuck your shit up.
Thank you for your time.

***update*** my friend has offered to show her boobs to anyone who finds my bike. So now it’s $500, and boobs, or get your ass kicked in 2029 by myself and the ultimate justice baby.

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This Vacuum sucks. But not in a good way.

alec — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 13:27:03 +0000

This is a review of:

Electrolux Vacuum Cleaner EL6989A Oxygen Ultra Canister (Kitchen)

Listen, maybe because I am a man, and in our society men have been stereotyped as helpless boobs who couldn’t make a bowl of cereal without the help of a wife/mom/fairy godmother, I should be not the person to review this product. But since my wife likes this vacuum, and because as such I cannot smash into a million pieces with a fungo bat, I have to write this review to get even the Electrolux Oxygen Ultra, an object that is now my sworn enemy, from now until the end of eternity.

I hate this vacuum. Every moment I use it is a chance to ruminate on how much I hate it. Seriously. I vacuum around the house saying to myself, “I hate this vacuum. You know what? This is a really terrible vacuum. I don’t think I like this vacuum. Oh wait, did I just suck up the dog?”

It was clearly designed by someone rich enough to never have to use it. Let’s start with the basic setup. The main body of the vacuum is something you drag behind you as you go from room to room. This would be a great thing if the house you’re vacuuming happens to be empty. And maybe in Sweden or Switzerland or wherever they designed this godawful piece of garbage, that’s all the rage now. But if you’re someone who happens to have furnished their house with things like chairs and tables (and even the occasional ottoman), this means the Electrolux is constantly getting stopped by whatever objects you had the audacity to place in its way. With an upright vacuum, you don’t have to drag anything. But you have to constantly drag the Electrolux everywhere you want to go. I’d like to drag it behind a truck going 150 mph, but that’s about it.

Then there’s the main, carpet-cleaning attachment of the Electrolux. I hate this attachment. First off, the attachment allows the main handle from the vacuum to be turned to the right, and to the right only. I even checked it for an hour just to make sure I hadn’t made a mistake. Nope. This is the only way the attachment turns on the handle. Why? Who knows? Probably just to annoy me, because I paid $600 for the stupid thing. Oh sure, I can turn my hand and vacuum my carpet Gangsta-style now, but otherwise this is the kind of design flaw that makes you want to drive your Honda through Bed Bath & Beyond, just to get even.

And, if anything, this attachment sucks too hard. Like that fringe on your oriental rug? Sorry, the Electrolux thought that was lunch! But every rug could use a good shearing now and then. Also, the motor in the attachment spins so hard it makes controlling the thing darn near impossible. But hey, at least you can turn the handle to the right.

Did I mention that you can only get bags for the Ultra through Electrolux, and that the bags have to be shipped to you? I didn’t? Don’t worry, no one told me either.

The other attachments aren’t so hot either. The attachment we use to vacuum the hardwood floor is stiff and cumbersome. And the coiling tube that goes to the main handle is almost always, without fail, twisted up in an awkward fashion.

Listen, I’m a simple guy. This is clearly what I get for being dumb enough to buy a $600 vacuum. I’m sure the Electrolux has the sucking power of 1,000 Kevin Federlines, and can filter out all the potential carcinogens and death spores I’ve been told pollute our air. But this isn’t rocket science. It’s a vacuum. You know why I vacuum? So that stuff looks like it’s been vacuumed. That’s all. Basic house vacuuming can be easily accomplished with any $100 Hoover out there. You can probably get one at a yard sale. Or maybe you can get my Electrolux at our next yard sale. If I’m sneaky enough, the wife won’t notice.

I hate this vacuum.

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I yelled “ayyy” at you on Hennepin. – m4w – 25 (Downtown)

alec — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 05:50:18 +0000

Me: Handsome gentleman riding shotgun in a classic baby blue Cadillac in a state of minor disrepair.
You: Either blonde or brunette. Intoxicated in a cocktail dress. It’s clear that on most other nights you drink less and/or wear flats. From the look in your eyes you were either confused or terrified. I like that.

You caught my eye as we were creeping down Hennepin leaving downtown. I rolled down the window, cleared my throat, and called out to you with a firm “AYYYY.” You glanced, then looked away quickly. I think your friend may have made some gesture at me (hence the clarification: “Not you, HER!”). I can tell you’re a little bashful, but a sweet girl. Clearly we had a special moment there. Email me, and I’d be happy to drive out to your suburb for coffee.

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Shameless Plug? Sure, why not.

admin — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 01:51:27 +0000

Do you like fun? Then stop not buying the new iPhone App created by Alec Brownstein, co-founder of Jerks in Your Area and recent Google Job Experiment press monger.

It’s a bunch of fun sobriety tests modeled after roadside police DUI tests. And it only costs 99 cents. Click here to buy it. Or click the icon.

- – - – -

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Before you buy an urn, read this.

alec — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 12:41:26 +0000

This is a review of:

The Classic Cremation Urn. Hand Engraved Solid Brass With Black Lacquer Coat. Includes Velvet Storage & Display Box.

I used this daily. I keep my brown sugar in it. So when people come over, they say “Whoa dude who’s in the urn!?” and I say “It’s my Uncle Albert – he tastes pretty sweet!” and I immediately open it and scoop out a spoonful of “ashes” and eat it! Immediately someone screeches or faints or pukes. It’s loads of fun! Works on strangers, mailmen, ugly neighbors, just about anyone with a sense of humor, or lack thereof! Try it today! PS: Use brown sugar and not actual ashes.

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Divorcing my almost NEW Giant XTC 2 – $750 (Cabbagetown)

alec — Sat, 03 Jul 2010 00:51:50 +0000

Me – We need to talk
ME – I… I don’t think we should see each other anymore

XTC = What! Why?

ME – It’s not you, I swear.

XTC – I’m too big… that’s it isn’t it!

ME = no, not at all… Hell, I’m 6′. technically I’m too big for you.

XTC – Is it my shifters? You don’t like the Deore’s anymore…

ME – No! I’m telling you it’s me, you’re perfect. You ride better than any other bike

XTC – What!!! you ass hole! you’ve been riding other bikes!
XTC – god I can’t believe you!

ME – Yes, ok I admit it! you’re just too… hybrid for me.

XTC – Her shocks are bigger aren’t they.

ME – god dammit, can we not… please.

XTC – I hate you. As soon as I find someone new I’m leaving.

ME – hahaha, don’t make me laugh, what are you gunna do, post a classified on Craigslist?

…. … … …

Fuck you Giant.XTC 2…. I hate you… even though we were only together for less than a year, you let me ride you maybe 10 times! I never want to see you again.
Here are all the naked pictures I have of you… I hope everyone see’s what a skank you are.
slut
pickup only

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Classy Ticklish Females Ages 18-50 Wanted! (Tampa, FL)

admin — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 03:26:55 +0000

Our company is looking for the most ticklish models ages 18-50 for a combination glamour photoshoot and video production involving acting and you getting tickled. We are scheduling productions now for Tuesday, August 3rd through Sunday, August 8th in Tampa. The production lasts about 1.5 hours and pays anywhere from $75-$150 (depending on just how ticklish you are, your look marketability and your attire comfort levels). The qualifications are as follows:

- The target look here is an individual who can pull off white-collar classy professional businesswoman look with nylons, heels and a dress shirt.
- Must be between the ages of 18 and 50.
- Must be extremely ticklish, especially on your feet. We don’t want someone who is just a little or even moderate. This is ESSENTIAL. If this doesn’t apply to you, please do not apply.
- Must be ok with light forms of bondage for safety so you don’t accidentally elbow someone while being tickled .
- Must be between 5′0 and 6′4.

Interested candidates please respond with the following:

* At least two (2) recent photographs; online portfolios are accepted as well.
* Please cite how you feel you are qualified for this casting and what makes you stand out among other candidates. We want the best candidates possible for this, so please be honest but thurough.
* Part of this role involves acting, so please cite any acting experience you have. Selected candidates will be actively involved in script development!
* Cite your availability for Tuesday, August 3rd through Sunday, August 8th.

The productions will take place on Tuesday, August 3rd through Sunday, August 8th ONLY. Candidates who are offered a position must guarantee their attendance shoot day. Payment is issued immediately following the project completion. We also offer a referral bonus in case you have friends who are interested in this too! If we use them, you get an extra $15.00!

If you have any questions of any kind, please do not hesitate to ask. Sample work and references are available upon request!

(via @RRGGBB)

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