Jerks in Your Area

$770 1 Bedroom in a 6Br, 3 story Bro Palace- America (Mt. Pleasant)

admin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:01:55 +0000

WARNING: If you are not a complete Brohemouth, do not read this ad. The awesome of this house will make your face melt like Raiders of the Lost Ark.

We’ve had this Temple to Broseidon under our control since W. went Ameri-bro and Mission Accomplished the shit out of Iraq and it has seen some of the greatest bros of the last decade pass through its hallowed halls: 2 direct descendants of the A-Team, they guy who came up with Under Armour’s “We must protect this house” campaign, Nicholas Cage, and a surfer bro that made Keanu Reeves in Point Break look like Lionel Richie. After coming to America to learn the ways of the brah, our recent international brotege has flown by the seat of his pants back Down Under, most likely to bang as many foreign chicks as possible. We’re looking for a bro of epic broportions, talent and exploits to fill his spot in the brahacracy.

About the house itself:
• The house, as any true Brotel should, has its own brah-niker: Sparta, because what’s more brah than being the most cock diesel fighters of all the ancient world? Slaying mad bitches that’s what, which were pretty sure the Spartans did too. if these guys were around today they’d wear Affliction Tees for sure bro
• Kitchen equipped with multiple blenders for protein shakes
• if you need to know more, then you’re no bro, and your face will start melting any minute now

The bros in this house like to party hard and bang chicks even harder. If you hate China and Russia winning any Olympic medal shared and shed a bro-tear when Phelps won his 8th gold medal, join the club. However, only real Teddy Brosevelts know that the true tragedy was the IOC (also known as Vichy France) didn’t let Phelps compete in every event.

Moving on, owning some container capable of holding more than 4 beers at once is an absolute requirement. Having recently banged a chick born in the 90’s is a plus. If it was doggy and you didnt call her ever again…BRO-FIVE!

If you think you’re brah enough to enter the kingdom of brah, respond to this ad. Our response will either come in the form of an email or by means of bald eagle courier. RamBros love America.

Brahsta La Vista.

(Submitted by Denise G.)

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Cat Shaving – $30 (Toronto, GTA)

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:09:13 +0000

Spring is in the air: warm breezes…flowers pushing through the soft dirt…and large kitty hairballs floating down your stairs.

Hmm.

Time for kitty to get a haircut? Now, don’t laugh – cat shaving eliminates excess hair around your home, and keeps your furry friend cool and comfortable for months at a time.

And at a rate of $30 for a sedative-free shave, it’s worth letting kitty have their own salon experience! Lion clips or straight shave-downs – we’ll have Fluffy looking slimmer and smoother in no time.

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Use my bathroom in Hoboken for St Paddy Day (Hoboken)

admin — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:12:03 +0000

We are offering 10 1 day memberships to use our toilets in our apartment during the Hoboken Saint Patrick’s Day Parade. $40 for the day gives you unlimited piss and poop sessions. It is a $2,000 fine if caught in public and with nearly 154 police officers working that day you will no doubt get caught, the fine is up to $2k and you will have to perform community service which we are learning will be you holding a sign at 14th St and Washington St that reads “I’m an asshole, I got caught pissing or shitting in public”. Avoid all of this and give us $40 and you can piss and poop to your hearts content. Free toilet paper included if you sign up now, otherwise it is $10 a roll at the door. You can also stop by our home and use a designated non membership toilet for $25 a pop as needed. This is a very serious offering, reply for address

(Submitted by Matt R)

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gentlemen prefer blondes with colorful highlights. – m4w – 28 (Williamsburg)

admin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:26:32 +0000

you were the girl with blonde hair and teal highlights wearing hideous combat boots.
i was the guy wearing green track pants and a conspicuous boner.
you asked me what time it was.
i said “rape:30,” but i don’t think you heard me because you walked away and that line usually works.
if you read this, i’ll be at radegast on n. 3rd and berry this friday wearing 3d glasses from avatar and a pompadour. shall we say rape:15? (10 pm eastern)

(Submitted by Rebeccaaa)

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Another glowing LinkedIn Recommendation for Alec!

admin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 14:12:36 +0000

I can not recommend Alec in a professional capacity. I can however recommend Alec’s hair as I have been his tonsorial stylist for the past four years. Alec’s hair is very thick and lustrous thanks to Aveda Smooth Infusion™ Shampoo with organic aloe, maize and guar bean. Occasionally, Alec experienced dryness of the scalp. That was a snap for Aveda Men Pure-formance™ Conditioner with seaweed, sage extract, spearmint oil, plai and licorice. Luckily, I carry a wide variety of Aveda products for both hair and skin at my salon, Cliff Storniolo Styling Associates in Voorhees, New Jersey. It is therefore without hesitation that I do recommend Alec Brownstein. And remember, if you have questions about Aveda Products, ask me!

Cliff Storniolo, Lead Stylist at Cliff Storniolo Styling Associates

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Alec got Recommended on LinkedIn!

admin — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 14:32:35 +0000

Alec was a fantastic intern mentor. Right off the bat, he took a much greater interest in me than anyone else at the agency. He was always asking me how I was doing and checking up on my performance. Sometimes I would be doing a spreadsheet and I would turn around and Alec would just be staring at me and then he would always come over to my desk and lean over me to check my work. It really helped me improve my productivity. He was also very generous with his time, and was always bringing me red wine while we were working late. In summation, I have found Alec Brownstein to be a very professional and very good intern mentor. There’s not much more I can say about a guy who took me under his wing so much that he actually invited me to go camping!

Andrew Himmelfarb, Intern

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11 Unused Trojan Condoms – $4 (Venice)

admin — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:13:11 +0000

We recently had a baby and were considering condoms over birth control. Changed our minds. So I have 11 unused Trojan condoms. I bought them for like $5.99. Selling them for $4, price is firm, no pon intended. I don’t have a picture but they came in a blue box if that helps, no special smell or style, just plain old condoms. If not sold they will be used as water balloons and thrown off the roof.

(Submitted by Geza)

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My Law Degree (Seriously) – $59250 (lower pac hts)

admin — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:08:11 +0000

After several years of practicing law with a bunch of nerds in Silicon Valley I have come to the conclusion that my law degree is useless and I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore. Though I spent over $100,000 on it I am willing to sell it for the bargain basement price of $59,250, which is the current value of my remaining student loan balance.

This priceless collectible will permit you to be surrounded by hobby-less assholes whose entire life is dictated by billing by the hour and being anal dickheads. Additionally, this piece of paper has the amazing ability to keep you from doing what you really want to do in life, all in the name of purported prestige and financial success. Finally, girls in the Marina will swoon with retarded thoughts of sugar daddy when they hear you went to XXX prestigious law school and are a lawyer.

Act now as supplies are limited and this crap takes three years to make. DISCLAIMER: this piece of shit isn’t even written in English. It’s in Latin or something, but I have the translation. It says “Haha. We took your tuition money bitch, now suck it. Sincerely, President of the University”

Added Bonus: It’s from one of those elitist BS institutions that accept people like George W. Bush cause their daddy donated $20 million i.e. Cornell, Penn, Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Georgetown, Duke, Tijuana Tech, etc. Instead of donating $20 million you can have it for the low low price of $59,250 or best offer.

This is actually a serious post. I will really sell this piece of shit.

(Submitted by SenoraObscura)

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Birthday Dog

admin — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 04:34:47 +0000

We don’t usually post this kind of stuff, but this dog is awesome. And the person who dressed him up like this is probably a Jerk.

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Catering company for 30+ people

admin — Tue, 23 Feb 2010 15:39:43 +0000

THE BAIT:

knoxville craigslist > gigs > event gigs

I am holding an event for 30+ people and I need food and drinks and also some cleanup afterwards. Must provide own van.

***********

Would like to speak with you about this. Might be able to help you, reasonably inexpensively. I am not currently a catering company, but have been in the past. I can handle 30 pretty easily, depending on what you have in mind.

I can be reached at 865-XXX-XXXX.

Mel

***********

Oh hi Mel, thanks for emailing me back.

I’m trying to put together this very exclusive event and timing is getting tight! I already have 28 RSVP YES, and still no caterer! Before we go any further, I’d like to ask you a few preliminary questions:

Are you available on April 17th?
Do I have to pay overtime if my event goes longer than 8 hours?
Do you do Kosher catering? If not Kosher, vegetarian?
Are all of your caterers at least 18 years old?

Please let me know ASAP as I’d like to award this job immediately.

Best,

Hank

***********

Thanks for the opportunity Hank, but from you questions it is apparent that I’m not qualified or even equipped to handle this event for you. Thanks again.

Mel

***********

Hey Mel,

Don’t take yourself out of the running so fast. There’s a pretty good chance that a lot of established caterers won’t be willing to work my event. You see, I am the secretary of an adult consortium called the Knoxville Orgy Organization (KOO). We’re a group of swingers who meet once a month for an orgy. April is my turn to host at my house, and I really want to step up my game a bit which is why I want to cater it. There are several shomer shabbos members of the club which is why we’re starting after sundown on Saturday and why I want the food to be Kosher or at least vegetarian. So now you can probably understand why your caterers need to be over 18!

Anyways, we’re not looking for anything too fancy. Just some snacks and desserts and lots of sodas and gatorade to keep us hydrated because we usually go until the wee hours of the morning. Unfortunately, I only make it to 7:05 PM when we start at 7 which means I’ll be available to help out with the catering or walking around with h’ors d’ouevres or whatever until I get my second wind.

I’m really looking to impress the rest of the KOO, and it would help me out a lot if you could do this for me.

Please let me know ASAP.

Hank

PS. You don’t have to participate, unless you decide you want to.

***********

No thanks.

Mel

***********

Hey Mel,

Listen, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression about the KOO. We’re not just a bunch of perverts and sex freaks. We do a lot more than just orgies. We’re actually citizens from the community. We have 3 members of the Chamber of Commerce and a deacon. Last year we raised over $5,000 for local charities with our bakes sales and White Glove Carwash at Calhoun’s on the River. This event is really not that big a deal and will probably be the first of many for you. Especially after everyone tastes how good your food is.

So let’s talk menu! How are your hush puppies? I was thinking that we could do a BBQ type of menu. Do you make a nice brisket?

***********

That’s fine, I’m just really not interested. Conservative, WASP, Christian, not a good fit.

Mel

***********

Hey Mel,

I totally hear where you’re coming from. When I first heard about the KOO, I was freaked out. And if we were a liberal Democrat orgy organization I would tell us to take a hike. But we’re nearly all conservative, Christian Republicans just like you (except for the Schapiros and they’re not even coming to my event). I’ve been registered Republican for twenty years! I voted for McCain/Palin in 2008 and would have voted just for Palin if I could have. In fact, we had a Palin theme night to raise money at a KOO event before the election. Things got pretty crazy because we actually had a snowmobile and a few assault rifles (unloaded of course). But don’t worry, I think the next party will be pretty tame.

You might also be interested to know that we’re devoting the first half hour of my event to a discussion of Ron Paul’s recent straw poll victory at CPAC. Harry and Glenda Brighton were actually there (and voted for Palin) and they’re working on a presentation for us. But nobody will be able to enjoy the event if they’re hungry! Which reminds me, do you know how to make shrimp po’ boys? My wife and I were talking and we think they’d be a huge hit if you could cut them up into little finger sandwiches.

Could you send me over some menu ideas? I have a bible study class tonight but maybe we could jump on the horn afterward to discuss.

Thanks much,

Hank

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