To the guy in my closet, you don’t have AIDS – m4w – 30 (Lakewood)
First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don’t or at least I hope you don’t have AIDS.
When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.
When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh…and btw, I don’t know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn’t leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament…. I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don’t really care enough. Not to mention I don’t know how big you are and I couldn’t think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.
So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.
I felt like I hadn’t punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn’t your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren’t used to standing in a 3′x4′ closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn’t already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.
After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren’t too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.
Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn’t mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.
Again no hard feelings and best of luck!
BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.
- Location: Lakewood
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
(Props to Rob H. for finding this)
Fucking beast!
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The saying ‘in lieu of’ does not mean ‘in light of.’ It means ‘instead of.’
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Anonymous Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 1:32 PM
That’s exactly what he meant. “So [instead of] those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement.” Don’t try to correct people any more.
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Anonymous Reply:
December 7th, 2009 at 3:05 PM
you sir are my hero
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Anonymous Reply:
April 28th, 2010 at 9:29 AM
You are amazing. Thank you.
ELBSeattle-you suck and are an idiot on top of that.
Domination.
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Anonymous Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 2:50 AM
aww honey try to brush up a little reading comprehension and leave the grammar to the grownups.
but in all honesty, it does make you awfully pretentious, and laughable when you’re wrong
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ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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hurtz2poop Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 9:25 PM
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ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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once again – guilty as charged – but was i the husband or the guy in the closet still remains to be seen
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Wow…just wow…
I don’t think I would have had the balls to pull something like that off, especially right off the top of my head. Awesome response though. Hope the dirty whore gets what she deserves.
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could i please have the number of the dirty whore?
and is ‘kmerritt’ keith merritt?
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Marvellous
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You guys are a bunch of chumps if you think this isn’t just another new form of Internet fiction.
This is just another go get’m fantasy piece written to placate a bunch of rejected men dumb enough to get married and discover that their wives aren’t toasters.
Quit trying to own each other people, deal with your insecurity like adults.
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…that’ll teach um LOL
Funny piece I love great revenge
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We can all learn from this experience. Rather than resulting to violence we should learn to screw with the minds of those that hurt us. Herpes also works as an excellent substitute.
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That’s a much better outcome than this guy!
The Long Weekend
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Forgive her.
Look her into the eyes. and do the hardest thing a man or woman can do.
Forgive them. and say “I am sorry for what I have done that has made you do that. in a place that is supposed to be sacred.”
There will be silence. the hard kind of silience I understand too well.
And then. Good or bad things will happen. Like it does in life.
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I don’t see why this guy would be considered a jerk.I think he handled the situation way,way,way better than I would have if I came home and caught my wife screwing somebody in my home in my bed.I would have been so far past jerk,and probably half way through assh*le territory.So what if he gave them a scare,would you rather get a good scare or a size 13 boot in the ass?If I’m ever in this situation,I only hope I can remain as calm as he did.Unless the relationship is over.Then I’ll probably pull him out of the closet,and thank him. Leaving him wondering why I’m so happy to catch someone screwing my wife.
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fucking win! despite the fact that i would be pissed and would probably want to beat the piss out of the guy as well this is the best way to get a little satisfaction out of a shitty situation. im curious to know where this guy is now and what hes up to, or if the other guy ever got his beer. other than that, BIGTIME FUCKING WIN!
Scott
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You have great blog and this post is good!
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This is funny, but it sends my bogus alarm ringing. I mean, even if something like that did happen, why would the husband put the letter up on CraigsList?
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Stupid grammar nazi, ruining a perfectly good story by having a stick 10 inches up your ass.
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Phoenix Wright Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 3:34 PM
Dear Sir or Madam,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for the author’s relatively correct formal English. I’m sorry that it was too readable for you, and although the text contained several acronyms there is no excuse for correct capitalization, word usage, spelling, or punctuation on the Internet.
Regards,
Phoenix Wright
Ace Attorney
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Anonymous Reply:
December 8th, 2009 at 9:31 PM
lol
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